I am trembling as I write to you....again... the emotions I feel, are so strong and indefinite.. I don't
know if this is hatred or fear or anger...but I am all consumed.
He came after me again.. I tried my best to avoid him…even ensured that I was far away from
any place he visited... I thought he has forgotten about me….but he came...that smug smile on his crooked face...which only meant trouble for me.
When I last confronted Maa about what he did to me…. how he touched me... the disgust which
lasted a month... she asked me to stay away from him and not react or tell anyone about what he did.. She never asked me why did I not confide when it had happened ! Instead, "it is
useless, " she said to me " Beta, it's a men's world, you'll be the one defamed even if we were to
take an action..Doesn't matter if you are as influential as he is or you are merely a housemaid!
Yeh sab sirf bolne ki baat h that everyone is equal. He'll walk away with his head held high and you'll be called names."
And there he was, looking at me as if he could scan me right away ! His look reminded me of all
the nights I've spent crying because I was too scared to sleep....of all the nightmares which left
me out of breathe... Flashbacks ran in front of my eyes. The thought of his hand reaching for my
wrist sent a chill down my spine... I had begged...but...he never listened... Next, I saw him block
my way at school.. As I retreated back, he inched closer. I knew I had a sharp pencil knife on my
bench.. if only I could reach it... I saw it shining on my bench.. the blade set new. I grabbed it
and threatened him. He seemed taken aback but in the blink of an eye, he leaped forward and
made a go at the blade which sent it flying... I heard him say "you are too weak." Another image
conjured and I could see him touch me without any visible changes on his face, when my
mother wasn't looking... The sound of his silent mocking laughter brought me back to reality
leaving me helpless. I wanted to turn around and run away... disappear somehow…like I did the
previous time and the numerous times before that but my legs lacked the coordination...
In my mind, echoed my mother's words and I knew that she was correct... Before I knew what
was happening, he reached for my waist. I could feel nothing. Somehow I wanted to get done
with this. He hands moved all over me and I was overcome by pure anguish. Within me was a fury which knew no bounds. I struggled against him. His grip was so hard that I wanted to scream but no sound escaped my mouth. I wanted this to end...I felt something build up inside me as the flashbacks kept on playing....as his hands kept moving from my hands to my waist and upwards.
I don't know how but the next thing I remember is that I pushed him away and he fell on the
floor.. Without any thought I started hitting him.. He protested I suppose, like hell he did..covering himself where I kicked him… but I was not me anymore.. He probably tried to grab my ankle but I just stamped his wrist. I kicked him hard wherever I could even when I heard him mumble ,“Stop, please..I'm sorry..stop’'. I looked into his eyes, kicked him right on the spot and walked away without turning... even when I heard him whimper in pain..
All this while, I had waited for a miracle... for an angel who'd save me... someone who will notice what is off and rescue me... I looked everywhere…. but within myself !
I don't know if I am feeling proud or relieved for having took a stand finally... I don't know if I am supposed to worry about the world...I can barely process what has happened. An hour ago I wanted to hide. I did not know what I was capable of, I still don't! I don’t know if he’ll come back looking for a vengeance, he probably will however, even as I shiver now, I feel the adrenaline rush through me. I still don't know what made me hit him or where did I find the strength to push him. Freedom was just a step away….and some hard kicks of course ! I am numb...yet I am rejuvenated. I know that I am the master of my destiny, My Life, My Rules, My Choices and no one has the right to hurt me or to do wrong to me !
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Until next time,